This section aims to provide a somewhat simplified guide to the travel as you work scenario. As an independent telecoms consultant I tend to find the first things you need to know when you are worktravelling are :

• Where do I get a relatively cheap meal thats easy to order, either by pointing to a menu or something that can be pronounced easily in the local language.
• Where is the nearest boozer, not necessarily the typical expat bar that most of us tend to get bored with within the first week
• If things are decidedly dodgy where do I get general supplies. Bathroom bullshit and stuff you only need to buy when the crap you brought with you unexpectedly runs out.

Obviously these things are listed in order of priority. As we all know item one is more often that not taken care of by McDirtburger or some other disreputable fast-food-ery. Number three you will usually just stumble across one day, hopefully before you need it and if not it dosent really matter (dont razor blades, like dirty washing, recycle themselves after a couple of weeks anyway?)

By far and away the most important resource to acquire is the boozer circuit mental map. Often this valuable commodity can be the difference between enjoying your stay in a country or turning into a complete hermit and holing up in your cramped excuse for a hotel room with a laptop and a pirate copy of Quake.

With this in mind I have undertaken to try document, from what little remanents I haven't washed away, some kind of dossier on good boozers in different cities I've been to. In no way complete and probably out of date in the majority of instances I welcome any feedback or alternative suggestions.

Budapest, HUNGARY

Im starting with this one as it is most recent and close to the surface. Some points to note; Refreshingly, good service is not considered a necessary attribute to operating a service industry in Hungary and I am told most of eastern europe. If you were ever getting bored with "Can I help you Sir" and even a cursory "Oi, d'ya won' a'nuva wun?", Budapest is the place to come. Surly waiting staff abound. However insolence is deemed d'rigeur and you really don't have any alternative so smile bitterly, hand over your money and put up with it... (mutter something inaudible about never returning and not leaving a tip is what most people do)

Another "watch-out" is, saying thank you when you get a drink. Don't do it ! To most bar staff it means keep the change. This is regardless of the fact you just passed across 50,000ft (look it up) for a pint of the local sheep dip. They wont question your generousity, after all, isn't the customer always right? What they will do is bugger off for half an hour leaving you vainly trying to get their attention again sheepishly wondering if you were ripped off or not.

More amusing than frustrating really is the way in which Hungarian barstaff respect the sanctity of the menu. If it's not on the menu it is "Impossible".
Anecdotally; In one Bar you can order "Nachos with cheese and Guacamole" and "Potato Wedges with tomato Salsa". With some friends one night we innocently tried asking for things in reverse. Wedges with Guacamole and Cornchips with Salsa. (Don't ask me, we were pissed) The unfortunate, confused barman spent literally half an hour running between us and the Kitchen before finally pronouncing that the order was "...Impossible, everything is mixed together". When the two original menu items arrived we were left with the simple task of swapping the two side dishes containing Salsa and Guacamole respectively...

Another thing to watch out for, though it probably wont get you in trouble is the lingo. As an example, take care when asking for a Pina Colada, (Principle 3) it means something completely different in Hungarian.

Becketts

You cannot possibly venture into this city without quickly becoming acquainted with Becketts. Named after Samuel Beckett (Contemporary Irish playwrite whose works include, Waiting for Godot... blah blah blah, you get the idea). This is the place is where most, if not all, the Budapest live-in expat community frequent. The bar itself has recently been renovated and now occupies, not counting the restaurant, one cavernous ground level room. Not a fantastic selection of beer on draught with Guinness, Dreher, Hoffbrau the mainstays. (Tuborg and some other stuff too I think) There is more in the bottled line up and spirits, while overpriced, are plentiful. On the weekends they have the occasional band and sometimes everybody's favourite, a Beatles tribute band who in my humble opinion aren't complete cack. The best thing about Becketts is its universal appeal and prominent place in the minds of the Budapest drinking set. You can get into a cab and mumble almost anything, in any language other that Hungarian, to the driver and you will invariably wind up at Becketts. The least favourable thing about Becketts its Manager. The guy running the place while I was there was a self important, fat arsed twat with his nose strategically inserted firmly in his own arse. He reserves the right behave as condescendingly as possible to all the pubs patrons thinking it's the way a cool manager should act. Some publicans can get away with this sort of behaviour because they are genuinely pleasant people. However, nobody actually likes this guy and he is generally derided as a wanker by all those who know him. Still, this could now be well out of date and the Manager there now may actually be okay.

Summary

The Irish Cat

The Cat (or Irish as some locals insist on calling it) is a small underground bar beneath the Hotel Mercure Corona. It would perhaps be more aptly named the Irish Ferret as it is built in much the same way a ferret would construct its den. The place is small, and comprises 5 major rooms and a couple of small alcloves possibly for the romantically inclined. Beer is an affordable price with the ditch water crown somewhat unfairly being awarded to Holsten. This is the cheapest on draught but not bad for all that. There are two bars in the Cat and oddly, service between the two ranges between two extremes;

Service in the back bar is "piss poor" where it is staffed by a continually rotating stream of around 4 fulltime chicks. Sporting a permanently unpleasant demeanour they are at least amusing to watch when confronted with a group of tourists/students/(insert any bar-irregular here). Possessing only a minimal Hungarian vocabulary, most of which consists of words reserved for more colourful exchanges, I am able to understand most all of cross-talk and mumbled responses that take place when inept strangers do attempt to place an order. Usually ignored for the better part of 10 minutes while the more important tasks of applying make up and adjusting navel rings are being attended to, newbies tend to get a little irate. At this point they mistakenly try snapping their fingers to get attention. As anyone familiar with the service industry will tell you, this is not a good idea.

Contrastingly, in the front bar service is not too bad but perhaps for the newcomer, a little fearsome. The guys staffing this one would not look out of place in WWF arena. They are however "relatively" good natured and efficient.

Summary

Portside

As the name suggests, this boozer has a nautical theme. If hanging some lifebouys, lanterns and assorted boat parephenalia counts as maritime themeing in a landlocked country... Decor aside, Portside is actually one of the better places in Budapest. It is divided into two bars (something that took me some time to realise) so be sure to specify which you're going to hang in if you're planning on meeting somebody. The service is probably the best your gonna come across although balance of staff seems to swing decidedly to the left bar (as your going downstairs) but then this does tend to be the busier of the two. Prices are quite reasonable for what is a very popular place.

The only gripe I can come up with is the inconveniently random dancefloor. You can be sitting in a spot one minute quietly contemplating your next pint and the very next be wearing some chicks arse all over the back of your head. Depending what night you go there of course...

Summary

Oscars

This place is on the Buda side near Moscow Ter. I only went there once and don't really remember a whole lot about it. What I do recall is the appalling drink I was given. Something called a Mohito which tastes like vinegar and has floating green shit all through it that sticks to your teeth and makes you look like a Captain prime twat when your having that desperately serious drunken debate. It's probably even worse if your on the pull and trying to impress.

If I'm not mistaken, it's close to a Burger King so there's something in its favour at least.

Summary

Fat Mo's

Fat Mo's models itself as a prohibition era speakeasy. Again another of Budapest's numerous underground drinking dens this place is strategically located just off Vaci. This place can really pack out Thursday to Saturday and isn't for anybody with respiratory problems. While service is okay you will have major difficulties just getting to the bar on one of the busier nights.

In general, and at times when things are a little more sane, the atmosphere is quite relaxed. Some nights, Jazz bands squeeze into the small alclove in the top corner of the bar. If this is your bag this place isn't a bad schoolnight haunt. Service and price are unremarkable falling squarely in the centre of mediocrity. Apparently the food is very good though.

Summary

Iguana

This place was always difficult to find for some reason. Its proximity to Becketts usually means it's either the first stop or the one immediately after but for all that only accessable by cab or after dark. Why after dark? The Red Lit frontage. If you leave Becketts and want to test your luck on foot the best directions I can give are: Head in a few blocks toward the river and then turn South. At each intersection check both ways, if there is a red glow in the street chances are it's being cast by Iguana. Either that or you've missed your mouth a few times with those slammers. Thats how I usually found the place anyway

Iguana is more a Tex-Mex restaurant type affair. Bar space is limited and bar type seating dosent exist. The choices are stand around at the bar waiting for it to get late enough so you can grab a seat without having to order food. (Principle 1)

Draught Beer selection is limited but there is plenty of bottled stuff. Being a Tex-Mex, cocktails are plentiful as is most of the top shelf. While this in itself does effect the price the regular drink prices dont really differ too much from the city average. Service at the bar is attentive if a little slow and the waitresses are pretty good as well.

Summary

Madrid, SPAIN

None of the real boozing fraternity would rate Madrid as one of the drinking capitals of Europe yet for all that, amongst the Cafe's and Bars you can find a truly dedicated few who like to have a good time. I was there briefly in 1998 and found that the ubiqutious pub scene is pretty much absent. There are of course numerous bars and eateries but the lowly drinking establishment, while experiencing a partial renaissance, in the form of Irish Bars, can be quite difficult to find.

It would be a mistake to say places such as Santa Anna and other potentially tourist infested areas are bad. However these places do tend to detract from the purpose of this document. Thats not saying just because traditional Spanish establishments, by their very nature, infringe on certain principles just that, this is not the target audience.

Finnegans

Perhaps the finest bar in all Madrid, this place has a very regular, very dedicated clientele. A word to the weary, the favoured tipple, particularly during the summer months is G&T by the pint. No small measures either, at least half that must be pure Gin. Finnegans is busy almost every night and stays open well into the small hours. If you are planning on working anytime during you tenure in Madrid it would probably be wise to give this place a wide berth. Getting in to work for an eight start tends to get more and more difficult by the day...

As a general run down, even though the bar is relatively small there are regular table dancing sessions every night. Beers on tap include Guiness, Kilkenny and I think Carlsberg even though by quantity maybe this tap should be reserved for Gin.

My only criticism is the air conditioning. There is one fan at the end of the bar and it don't do much good. Then again, central Spain, middle of summer, what do you expect? You could always have opted for Greenland...

Summary

Bo Finns

This place is only really a spin-off/overflow from Finnegans boasting a larger TV for those all important sporting fixtures and additional seating. The staff sometimes rotate between the two and you could be forgiven for forgetting exactly which bar you are in.

Summary